|
SubscriptionsSites I Read
|
|
|
|
| The Greenwould Band Tour
Part I
I grew up watching the Ninja Turtles eat pizza and fight crime. At first, they were simply content to protect New York City from Shredder and Krang. But soon, they became lured away from Master Splinter's orthodox training by the glitz and glamour of commercialism.
When I heard that the Turtles had decided to give up being ninjas in favor of starting their own independent rock band, I knew that I just had to be the first person to interview them. I hoped that talking to them could provide some answers to their most perplexing behavior. Now believe me when I say that I know my turtles. I've watched all their movies and read most of their comic books, but nothing could prepare me for when I finally beheld their revamped image:
I was beside myself. Could these really be the same teenage turtles which defeated the might foot clan back in the early 1990s?
Suddenly, one of them spoke.
Raphael: "Yo, my man, what's shaking?"
"Who do you guys think you are?" I responded.
Raphael: "We're the Greenwood band, dude!"
I hated to ruin Raph's day, but I had to inform him that another band has already taken the name "Greenwood."
I showed Raph these pictures:
 
His disappointment was evident immediately.
Now I don't know how many of my readers have ever had to bear the yoke of crushing the spirit of one of their childhood heroes, but I can assure you it doesn't feel good. Thankfully, Michealangelo had the wits about him to make light of the situation.
Mikey: "Hey, then why don't we just call ourselves the Greenwould band. You know, like the Green (that's us) would be a band. And when we go on tour, we can call it the Greenwould tour. Get it? Huh Huh!"
I was dumbfounded, but decided to bite my tongue
The rest of the turtles, however, thought Mikey's suggestion to be a stroke of brilliance.
I happened to notice that Leonardo wasn't quite as jovial as his brothers.
Leonardo proceeded to scold his brothers about forsaking the way of the true warrior or something macho like that. He rambled on at length about how the Ninja Turtles had sunk to a new depth by trying to cash in on the rock band craze.
His brothers, however, were unfazed. They took a vote, and Leo lost mightily, thus proving that being the leader doesn't necessarily make you popular. So he decided to reluctantly go along with his brothers' latest scheme.
But as you can see below, he was extremely shy about performing in his band uniform:
So, it appears that the Teenage Mutan... err, I mean, the Greenwould band will be going on tour later this month. Stay tuned for all their antics in the coming days. And I can assure you that that they'll make you green with envy. | | |
| Hello sports fans and welcome to a classic edition of Rootbeer Chats.
My name is Mikey and welcome to this unique format where I get to interview some of the most famous and interesting celebrities of all time. Today, I’m with the most famous vigilante group who help the common man ever. You know them and love them. They are the A-Team. Ah, I see them pulling up right now.
Thank you gentlemen for taking time out of your busy day to be with us:
A-Team: No problem Mikey. Great to be here to enjoy a few root beers.
Mikey: Well, the first question everyone would like to know is…where have you been all this time? Your television show went off the air in the late 80s and for the most part you all have kept a low profile?
Hannibal: Well, Mikey we’ve been doing our thing. Kicking bad guys butts. Helping good people out of bad situations and showing Decker how much of an idiot he really is. Just thinking about it puts a smile on my face.
Mikey: Yea he is an idiot isn’t he? Anyway, B.A. I see that you’re sporting a little less gold than normal. What’s up with that?
B.A.: Yea, I gave some of it to charity. Got to represent to the people. Anyway, I’ve been doing a lot of work with local police and with local children organizations. Here's a pic with me with some kids from the Boys and Girls Club.
Mikey: But wouldn’t that tip off Decker and his gang?
B.A.: I pity the fool who’d try mess with the kids. He would get clobbered into next week. If they didn’t like that, I’d just call my bud Hollywood Hulk Hogan and we’d tag team beat down them suckas
Mikey: Ah, I see your point. Now Face, how have you been keeping up the high profile on the down low?
Face: Mikey, it’s like this. I’m smooth enough that I can slip around through any trap and still wine and dine with the best. It’s just a matter of attitude. You have to be confident of the fact that “Hey, I’m the mack daddy and I’m cool like that” no matter what you're doing.
Mikey: I couldn’t have put it any better. On to Murdock, you’ve been an interesting character to keep up with. What’s new in your neighborhood?
Murdock: Well, Mikey, I’ve been doing the talk show circuit promoting my latest book “Why I Don’t Like Harry Potter and How I’m Better For It” and also doing commercials for various fast food chains and airlines like this one here:
Mikey: Well, I wish I could spend more time with you guys but we’re just about out of time. So is there one thing each of you would like to tell your adoring audience?
Hannibal: Be true to your friends
Face: Don’t forget to call home once in a while
Murdock: Be afraid of Pokemon because they are evil
B.A.: Stay in school or you’ll be a fool sucka
Thanks guys for stopping by again. Well, that’s all for Rootbeer Chats for today. I’m Mikey and that’s my story and I ain’t telling another one. Later.
Contributed by Mikey | | |
|
Welcome again to another installment of the greatest interview forum this side of the Mississippi (and the other side as well). This is Rootbeer Chats and I am once again your host Mikey.  For this week’s installment, I have the utmost pleasure in introducing to you someone who has made a tremendous impact on the lives of countless boys and girls growing up in the 1980s (as this intrepid reporter is one of those numbered in that group). This someone has agreed to join us to help promote his adventures coming to DVD. Yes, I’m here with the man, Mr. Macgyver. Macgyver it is a pleasure.  Macgyver: It’s my pleasure. Big fan. Enjoy the root beer. Fine quality. Mikey: Now Macgyver, you’ve had some tremendous adventures and gotten out of some tight squeezes. What would you say is a key to getting out of a tight jam? Macgyver: Use duct tape. You can’t go wrong with duct tape. You can do anything with duct tape.  Mikey: Good advice there. Now I see that you still represent the mullet, as we all know, still business in the front, party in the back. Why the mullet? Macgyver: Honestly, Mikey, people love the mullet. Especially the ladies. They know that if you can rock the mullet right, then you can rock anything.  Mikey: Well said. Now I want to talk about the DVDs. What do you think about the new exposure you’re getting? Macgyver: Well, it’s definitely a pleasant surprise. Back in the day, I did what I did to help out those in need. To find out that people still care about what I did back then, is really touching. Mikey: Very cool. Well it was a pleasure to interview you and wish you nothing but continued success. Macgyver: Thanks again for the root beer. I know that whenever I’m making those long flights, I check out Rootbeer Chats.  Well, that’s all for today. As always, keep it real, keep it live and keep it cool. I’m Mikey and that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Later days. | | |
| Oh ho, I bet you thought it was finished! It ain't over!
Return of the Evil Vacuum
Early last month we here at Worthless Entertainment warned you about the oncoming attack of home appliances and the subsequent global conquest that would blossom from these attacks. What we are about to show you is graphic in nature and further supports our claims that the revolt will start in the most unlikely of places. We were all sitting around, enjoying a nice, tall glass of color changing cherry Kool-Aid when the door burst open. What happened next was something that none of us had ever expected to happen again. There, in the bright light that filtered in through the open doorway, stood the Oreck Vacuum! If you don’t remember, this was the same Oreck responsible for the death of my roommates Trent and Corey, as well as my friend Jesse. Thankfully, through the recent advances in science and DNA cloning, we were able to get all three of them back and in full health, but now….we didn’t know about anyone’s safety any longer.
The vacuum’s first target was none other than Trent, whom it had so readily devoured in it’s first outing, but thankfully Trent was able to get away because we were ready this time. Since the last time we’d all been under training with the great and mighty B.A. Barrachus, and we were ready to whip some serious vacuum plug.
That’s right, there you see the greatest bodyguard of all time, Mr. T, standing with Trent and Super Fire Convoy, who joined our team after he noticed the lack of robotic forces present. We didn’t know if we could trust him, because after all, robots are evil. (They eat old people’s medicine for fuel.) However, robots are strong and made of metal. We decided he was a good asset. He’s an Autobot too, which makes him immediately good.
So there we were, the roughest, toughest, appliance fighters that the world had to offer. This was the front line, and there was no backing down now. As the evil vacuum roared in its smokey, mechanical voice, we knew we had to decide who would strike first. After a quick moment of drawing straws, we decided on Jesse, who was the quickest among us. If he could at least knock the thing down, we’d have a chance. Knowing his task, Jesse quickly put a pointy box on his head and took out the vacuum with a side kick to it’s evil heart…er….bag…
Success! With the vacuum down, Jesse decided to not stop there. Why just knock it down when you can stomp the life out of it? So Jesse stomped…and stomped…and stomped. He stomped so much in fact that the innards of the vacuum began to come out its rectal area. While this was fun in and of itself, our torture had to stop for the moment due to the now noxious clouds of vacuum dust that were filling the room. Before the dust could even clear however, the Trent-clone hopped the coffeetable with a strange gleam in his eye that I’d never seen before.
Determined to put an end to the vacuum cleaner’s wrath, Trent-clone did the unthinkable: he wrestled the vacuum to a prone position and applied the dreaded Tongan Death Grip to it!
For those of you not schooled in deadly holds, the Tongan Death Grip originated in the islands of the Phillipines, in the Asian part of the world, specifically in the jungles of Tonga, hence the name, Tongan Death Grip, duh. You apply the hold thusly: (try this out on your friends, it’ll be so cool!) First you contort your face into a scary mass of wrinkles and wide eyes, causing your cheeks to redden and burn. Then, after swinging your arms wildly in every direction, you grab your buddy’s neck between your pointer and pinky fingers, bringing your other fingers back toward your palm until their tips touch your skin. Have your friend flail around wildly, acting as if you truly are killing him. The illusion created is that you’re jabbing your fingers right into his esophagus! Isn’t that fun?
Before the Tongan Death Grip could be released, Jesse-clone came to Trent-clone’s aid. They then applied the double camel clutch to the squirming vacuum, doing their best to break what was left of its spirit, as well as break its back. As the fight raged on, our trusted friend Super Fire Convoy was doing the exact thing we didn’t expect him to do. Y’know what we said about robots being a good asset? Apparently this one didn’t hear that, because Fire Convoy decided to take a nap.
Despite the lack of help from the robotic front, a satisfying crack echoed victory, as the vacuum finally gave up its fight, marking what we thought was the end of the horror that we had been predicting to come. We turned our backs, we went back to our Kool-Aid, and we had a good time. Who can know the ways of machine? Unfortunately, we can’t, for deep inside itss twisted plastic and metal body, a black heart still kept time with shallow breathing. Thinking it was dead, Corey-clone just happened to get to close. We don’t have to tell you what happened next.
R.I.P. Corey-clone.
-Marty
MartimusPrime@gmail.com
www.xanga.com/BlackstarRequiem
| | |
| Special Treat: Another Round of Rootbeer Chats
Well indeed it is an honor and a privledge to come to again those of the Rootbeer Chats faithful. Yes I Mikey am back with yet another round of Rootbeer Chats.
The guests seem to fall into my lap. Today's interview is of great joy and honor in my book. My guest truly needs no introduction to anyone who lived and watched television during the 1980s. And he and his friends will now be coming to DVD starting this October. Ladies and gentlemen, I am coming to you from Eternia. Yes I am here with the man, He-Man
He-Man: Hey Mikey, thanks for coming all this way. I know that you've got such a busy schedule.
Mikey: Hey, I understand you're a busy guy lately as well. It's a pleasure to meet you. I hope that the rootbeer we sent is of fine quality for you.
He-Man: But of course. I know how much effort you guys put into the interviews and the rootbeer. It's some great stuff.
Mikey: It's hard to believe that it has been about twenty years since you first graced the TV screens of American's children. What do you think about those first days?
He-Man: Well Mikey, first starting out was rough. Having to remember lines. Protray different emotions at the same time. It took a few episodes I felt for all of us to really hit our stride.
Mikey: What was your fondest moment off screen?
He-Man: I would say just the friendships we all made. Many of us were people who were spending time in front of a camera the first time. Though there were veterans such as Sir Gallagar of New Brunswick who played Orko (not many people know that the real Orko hated cameras at the time and never allowed himself to be filmed) who showed people such as The Sorceress and Man at Arms how to be comfortable in front of the camera
Mikey: Was the rivalry between you and Skeletor one that transended the screen into real life?
He-Man: Well, Mikey. That's tough to answer. I think that deep down that Skeletor is not that bad a guy. He's done some charitable acts in his day including modeling for the logo of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and giving the money to the Eternia Youth Alliance fund. Though he has to play up the bad guy image to everyone else, deep down he's an okay guy.
 
Mikey: You get only these kind of scoops here on Rootbeer Chats. I know that the end of the original run was hard for the cast and crew and I'm not even going to touch talking about the horrible movie the studios made without any of you in it. What did you guys do when the series ended?
He-Man: Many of us went on a book signing tour in Europe then returned to Eternia to just hang out. Cringer was considered a national hero in Switzerland so they threw a huge celebration in his honor. He was so touched that he built a winter residence out in the Alps. He still goes there on occasion. I don't know what it is but the Swiss love their "Cringie"
Mikey: I must say that I'm glad about the resurrgence of 80s culture including a new cartoon featuring you and the gang along with an upcoming release of your show on DVD. You look like you did some more workouts than previously.
He-Man: Well, I thought that it would be good for me to break out a new image for the new century. Plus it gives all the ladies another side of me. Whether I'm as Prince Adam or as He-Man, I'm still in good shape.
Mikey: Before I go, two quick questions. One, any truth to the rumor between you and Teela hooking up off screen and Two, how is it that she can't put Prince Adam and He-Man as the same person?
He-Man: Well I'll answer the second question first. It's the same philosophy as with Clark Kent/Superman, things that are obvious are sometimes the most overlooked. And as far as us being together, right now we're taking our relationship slow. But yes we are dating right now. That's a Rootbeer Chat exclusive.
Mikey: Well He-Man, it has been a pleasure. Continued success for you and the people of Eternia.
He-Man: Thanks for dropping by. You are welcome to come back anytime.
Mikey: I might just do that. Oh, and say hi to She-Ra for me. Well from Eternia, I may not "have the power" but I know who does. Later days!
(Leave comments as to who you'd like to see me interview next)
Contributed by: Mikey
| | |
|
